3 Tips for Women Managing Midlife Grief

In personal development circles, if you have been around them for a while, you will hear the term ‘let it go’ more times than you probably care to.  In my opinion it’s nebulous, slippery and often it is hard to know what that means or how to do it.  And despite that, you know deep down there is probably something in it for you, you are just not sure what or how.

In this post, I want to talk about grief and offer some tips on dealing with it.  Because every woman in midlife is likely to face hard decisions around what to keep in their life and what to let go of.  It might be shift in career choice or employment, their marriage (the divorce rate for women being highest in their 40s), the loss of self-identity, empty nest syndrome, the loss of fertility, and the flipside of that: perimenopause and menopause. Suicidality is also at its highest for women in their 40’s.

With any change there is an associated grief that needs honouring we must make time for, and for women in midlife it can be discombobulating as the changes come at us rapid fire style... 

Here are my top 3 reasons why it’s important to acknowledge and honour ourselves at this time:

1.       So it does not come back and bite us later, Groundhog Day style, via repeating patterns or that feeling of being disconnected.

2.       So we don’t store that pain energy in our bodies and ultimately have a health crisis or mental breakdown.

3.       So we get closure, and don’t carry the pain forward and have it impact our decisions or others we care about.

Letting go isn’t getting dressed up in your best princess dress, having your hair done and singing ‘let it go’ from the mountain tops in the snow.  Grief is messy, painful and often a thing we want to avoid.  And frankly I want to save my best dress and crown for when I am feeling good and coming out of the other side, not to blow my snotty nose on! 

This ‘light and fluffy’ talk about letting go discounts the very real pain and grief we feel when we lose our capacity as we once knew it, our job, career, marriage, health, or our kids when they leave home.  Many women lose their sense of self and identity in midlife, and this is no laughing matter.  It is devastatingly painful, disorienting and downright damaging to our mental and physical health.

Dealing with grief takes time, and for every person there is a different amount of time, a different order in which emotions are processed and a different way of going about it.  I see clients stuck in grief because this statement ‘let it go’ is thrown around and is assumed to provide all the guidance needed to deal with the pain and loss…

Today, I want to give you some solid grounded advice about handling grief if you get stuck.

Firstly, though can I tell you this: professional help may help support you in ways friend and family can’t or by going it alone, and if you can please consider giving yourself that gift. 

And in the meantime, here’s my top 3 tips on managing midlife grief:

Tip 1

Take the loss seriously, don’t downplay it because you are judging ‘how bad it is or isn’t’, or you feel judgement from others upon you.  For example: You’re in your late 40’s, having all the peri symptoms but have not had them significantly enough to warrant a conversation with your GP, or worse the GP wrote you off; the reality for you is disenfranchised grief.  The kind you feel but cannot explain why, and even if you can others don’t get it because you look ‘fine’ or it is ‘normal’.  No, it ain’t – just saying!  Try to sit with your feelings, even the ones you cannot explain.  They are real and you just might need a little more time to put your finger on what it’s all about.

Rule number 1 - Take every loss seriously and allow yourself time to more deeply connect with yourself.

Tip 2

Feel your feelings.  In times of grief, it’s important to realise you are probably going to be all over the place emotionally for a while.  Allow yourself that.  Some days you might find you are going well and then a smell, sound, person or phrase triggers you into thinking about what you have lost, and the tears will roll.  Let them. You might even tell yourself ‘Don’t cry’ because you’re scared if you do you might not stop – know that you will.  I promise.  The same goes for everything you are feeling, let it out and it will eventually exhaust itself (and possibly you too for a short while).  Things like colouring in, art and other forms of creative expression can help a lot with this.  Try paint your grief on a canvas, you can pick them up cheaply enough at discount outlets along with some paint.  It does not need to be a Picasso; this is for your eyes only unless you want to share it.  Colouring in books can be great too!  Personally, I love to take time to play my piano or listen to jazz.  It’s about stopping the thinking and embracing the feeling.

Rule number 2 – Feel your feelings and use creative outlets to move the energy out of your body. 

Tip 3

Look ahead!  When you have exhausted the emotional roller coaster and feel like the worst of it is over it is a good time to start considering what your future will look like after the messy middle reality you are in. Maybe you can see yourself doing new and different things, maybe you can’t just yet.  There is no right or wrong, just a gentle reminder that this too shall pass, and to consider what you want for yourself once it does.  Creating a vision board for future you can be a fun way to creatively move through this stage.  Canva is a great tool for this but so can be good old-fashioned scissors and glue. It is also important to start talking to others close to you about your ideas, and rebuilding connections. 

Rule number 3 – Let yourself live again, to live differently, more compassionately and intentionally. And to create a vision how you want that to look.

The invitation to you today...

I invite you to recognise that every woman will experience midlife differently, and the process of loss and transformation into this 3rd season can be brutal for some women.  Acknowledge your experience as valid and real.  I invite you to allow yourself to be seen, and to see yourself in all the glorious messiness of this time of life, knowing you are not alone. 

Finally, know that some people simply will not understand your world and sense of loss, they just won’t.  It does not make them bad; they just don’t get it.  I invite you to consider what is important to you moving forward in your relationships and honour yourself first.